


a guy that i'd kinda be into

by orphan_account



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Baz Plays Piano And Can Sing(tm), Fluff and Angst, I FORGOT THIS IS A NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL AU, M/M, Simon Can Also Sing(tm), how many bmc refs can i shove into this fandom: the fanfiction, simon and baz are internet friends, simon is a sad teen who doesn't know what he is yet, there's also an lgbt club
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-02-22 08:50:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13163469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Simon Snow is a lonely kid. If you haven't got any friends by Year 9, you've basically set yourself up for a life spent lonely.But when he meets an Instagram follower that goes by the name EdgyMcVampire with odd aesthetic choices and an absolutely gorgeous singing voice, things might just be going right for him. Well, except for his annoying classmate, Basil or whatever. Sure, he's posh, and sure, he's kind of (okay, really really) handsome, but Simon doesn't really see them ever becoming friends or anything more.But some things change. And, of course, Simon's never really been right about anything in his life, and that streak isn't about to end just because he may have fallen in love.





	1. then something changes

Simon Snow has friends.

Okay, _a_ friend.

Maybe he has abandonment issues, he wonders, and that’s why he has no friends. Not the fact that, you know, he’s probably the second most awkward person in the universe (second because he hopes that someone out there is worse than he is) and can count every positive interaction with a human he’s ever had on one hand.

But yeah, sure. Let’s go with abandonment issues.

So he finds himself bored, most days; he lives with his best friend Penny and her mom, who had all but adopted him after the orphanage had gotten sick of him. It’s certainly not bad- he has his own room, Penny’s mom has enough money for them from her husband’s mysterious job abroad, and he gets a generous amount of pocket money in return for doing small chores around the house. It’s great. He just kind of wishes there was more to do.

He does draw in his spare time, though. Maybe spare time is a little bit of an understatement. He has stacks of sketchbooks- finished, half-done, one page drawn on and nothing else, you name it- under his bed, and his art supplies are scattered about his room, apparently incapable of actually staying on his desk for more than one day. He doodles in class. He gets told off for it. Constantly. And that annoying kid that sits behind him in somehow every class- Basil or something, but who the fuck calls their kid that- likes to either snitch on him or peer over his shoulder while he’s trying to draw in peace. Noone hates him for it, either. You’d think a bunch of kids in Year 9- about to be 10- would be all over him for grassing, but because Mr. Weird Ass Name is one of the most intimidating boys in the whole school and unfairly handsome he gets away with it.

It's infuriating.

He’s infuriating.

~~Infuriatingly handsome.~~

Simon shakes his head- he was attempting to do homework before his thoughts went off, and now his lined paper is covered in doodles. He grumbles to himself and throws it away, only to drift off into thought when he’s about to get up again.

He’s had this.. idea for a story. Comic? Yeah. It’s about this.. prince guy. Who definitely isn’t a self insert. He goes on adventures with his friend, a purple-haired girl who turns out to be some sort of fairy witch thing. (Penny wanted to be added too, and she always goes on about how she wishes she was magical.) He’s been adding some romance too, in his thoughts; where the prince falls in love with his enemy who’s actually a vampire. A vampire with…

He thinks for a moment.

Black hair, that’s attractive. Not too straight (heh); probably gets in his eyes- grey eyes- a lot. And weird pale skin, because he’s a vampire. At this thought, he near-rips a sketchbook out from under his bed, ignoring the thud that follows, and flips to a random page. The pencil in Simon’s hand is blunt but he can’t be bothered to find his sharpener, so he begins hurriedly scribbling down the image he’d just pictured in his mind. Like everything he thinks up, it never really looks the same on paper (for example, the hair kind of looks like a bird’s nest opposed to the slightly messy style he’d thought of) but otherwise it’s good.

Except then he realises what- or who- it looks like.

That fucking annoying Basil kid- the accentuated cheekbones, the weird pointy nose, even the odd not-quite-alive looking skin (which is.. really weird actually. Is Basil a vampire too?)

But when he tries to change something about the design, it ends up messing everything up. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

It’s a really, really good looking character design and he really wants people to see it, but he’d never live it down if anyone were to find out…

His eyes land on his phone. And then he realises.

Simon has two Instagram accounts- the obligatory one that’s essential for anyone to have after going into highschool, and the one where he posts his art. Everyone knows who he is on the former, but the latter? He has a few followers and none of them are from his school. None of them would know Basil or whatever. Perfect.

After a couple dozen tries at trying to get the right lighting on the sketch, he triple checks that he’s on the right account before posting it with a sigh that’s relieved for some reason.

Okay, done. Now maybe he can stop thinking about the annoying kid. That he might actually have a crush on.

Shit.

* * *

   


Baz is bored. He finished his homework ages ago, and he’s pretty sure he’s reached content from a year ago in his Instagram feed. He sighs, and refreshes. Some random selfies, ads, lots of cats… he smiles a bit when he sees a post from someone he’d been following for a while; an artist who goes by the name ‘simonsketches’ (he tries not to think about how the oddly attractive kid that sits in front of him has that same name. Simon is a very common name.) Whenever he sees something of his he always stops to comment. On this account; the one that he actually uses instead of the one all his school friends know him from. Look, he has a reputation to keep up. Noone would take him seriously if they saw the weird mix of music, cats, pride and weird emo aesthetics on his Instagram.

He shakes the thought off and looks back up at the image before he comments. And squints. There’s something… awfully familiar about the so-called ‘OC’ Simon had drawn. Apart from the slightly weird looking hair and strangely absent other eye, it looks almost exactly like him.

Oh, the character was a vampire. Okay, that explained it a little.

Baz thought nothing more of it as he typed up a quick comment, just a compliment and small critique about how one arm looked kind of noodly, along with asking a question about the story that had been mentioned in the caption.

A few minutes later, he received a message from Simon, answering his question (I don’t know when it’s set yet!! might just keep it a mystery ahdhfhdfh) and a thank you for the comment (thanks! I gave up on my homework for this weird guy so he better look hot.) For some reason, Baz feels his face heat up a little; this is the first time he’s actually got a full message in response to a comment, and he feels weirdly obligated to give him at least a slightly decent reply.

* * *

   


 Simon looks up when his phone goes off, cursing to himself because he was just about to try doing his homework again, damnit. He sighs and picks it up anyway, raising his eyebrows when he sees the response to the message he’d sent earlier. ‘EdgyMcVampire’ was a long-time follower of his, and after a good few months of the guy commenting on every post of his, he’d decided it was time to message him for once. Plus his content isn’t that bad; lots of cats, lots of gay pride, but also lots of weird edgy pictures. There’s also the occasional clip of him covering a song- usually with a violin or piano, but when he does sing Jesus Christ is he good.

..Anyways.

He reads over the message again (‘the story still sounds really cool, I want to know more,’) and snickers a bit at the awkward attempts from the other to remain formal even when talking about how cool his art is (‘especially that one with the weird demon cats,’ which Simon had drawn with him in mind..) in a way that makes his face heat up and a goofy grin spread across his face.

He breathes in deeply. Time to try and type out a good reply without seeming overly weird or awkward.

   


simonsketches: hddhdfhhs the story really isn’t that fleshed out yet??? I mean uhh theres this part where they fight off a dragon

simonsketches: also the weird vampire guy falls in love with the main character

simonsketches: oh my god

simonsketches: the weird vampire guy has no name

simonsketches: HELP EDGE WHAT DO I NAME HIM

Baz stifles a laugh at that and quickly types up a reply. Since this character looks almost disturbingly similar to him, why not mess around with it a bit more?

EdgyMcVampire: I think you should call him Baz.

simonsketches: ,,short for what, bastard?

EdgyMcVampire: Yeah. Bastard the evil vampire.

Simon thinks, briefly, that the name Baz sounds oddly familiar, but doesn’t think much of it at the time and simply continues the conversation. The two go through a lot of things, and by the time Simon’s telling the other that he really needs to go do his homework now, they’ve figured out a good chunk of the comic’s plot, dramatic love story included.

And Simon manages to get his homework done by the time 10pm goes by, because even though the six week’s holidays are coming up in a few days he’d rather die than mess up his 100% attendance now by being late.

When he’s curled up in his bed, about to fall asleep, he thinks again about talking to Edge on Instagram. It had, admittedly, been one of the best parts of his day. He was too embarrassed to share his art or comic ideas with Penny, and having a person to actually talk about those to felt amazing.

He hopes they’ll be able to talk again tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeeyo, first fanfic in literal fuckin years!! i havent finished carry on (it's actually been a very long time since i've read it and i just suddenly got feels for it but cANNOT FIND MY COPY OF IT) but when i do im gonna be writing Actual Stuff That Isn't This AU. also,, i was gonna write this w/ american high schools in mind but tbh that shit is extremely hard to research when ur british ahdhdfhfd  
> anyways!!! hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter!!


	2. you know it's so irrational

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick note!!
> 
> tutor is,, basically the equivalent of homeroom in america, i guess?? it's also called registration bc you,, have the register done.
> 
> also there's a part where it can be like,, vaguely homophobic if u squint? it's loosely based off of my own experiences bc i apparently like to project onto my favs too much. including the part where simon doesnt know what tf he is yet ahdhdsfhsdf (bbuuuuut that particular part's gonna be explored more next chapter!!)

Baz groans when his alarm goes off that morning, as if it isn’t his fault that he chose to go back on his and Simon’s messages after the other had gone to bed. It’s.. weird. Baz has never really had a proper friend before, aside from Dev and Niall (but they’re more his minions than anything…)  and the girls who constantly follow him around (HE’S GAY. ~~Also not out yet though..~~ ) So, even if he doesn’t know who simonsketches really is, it’s good to have someone to talk to. He shoots him a quick ‘good morning’ message before he goes to get ready for school.

Just as he’s pulling his blazer on, his phone goes off and he almost grins when he sees it’s a reply.

simonsketches: wtf we’re in the same time zone right??

EdgyMcVampire: ? yes?

simonsketches: i just woke up??? are you even human my g od

Baz smirks to himself at that. Before replying, he buttons up his blazer, slips his phone into his pocket and walks downstairs. As expected, noone’s there; his parents (still feels wrong to say that) are probably taking care of his siblings, or his siblings are asleep. Either way, he never sees anyone else from his family in the morning and he’d rather keep it that way. So he makes himself toast for breakfast, and once he’s done he picks up his bag and coat and makes his way over to the bus stop just outside of the gates.

He’d prefer it if he were in the car, to be perfectly honest, because it's warmer and he's cold enough as is, but he really wouldn’t like to deal with any member of his family in the mornings. Especially a school one. Besides, this bus is usually empty save for a few other students with wealthy families like him. As he waits, Baz sends a quick reply to Simon’s message (Maybe. ;)) and checks what he’d missed. Simon’s posted another drawing, of the vampire character named after him and the prince character named after the other (huh. That’s going to be complicated) hugging. It’s… really cute, actually. He writes a short comment just as the bus pulls up and reminds himself to message Simon about it later.

As he settles in to his seat on the bus and pops his earphones in, he can’t help but feel like today’s going to be a good day.

* * *

 

As Simon settles into his seat in tutor, he can’t help but feel like today is going to be an absolutely horrible day.

First off, since his tutor group has the unfortunate spot of the art room as their room, they’ll be forced to clean up after whoever had been there last at least once per week. This is probably because their tutor hates the class with a burning passion- at least, she had started hating them after that Basil kid had somehow helped the tutor group form a revolution against having to clean up after the other classes. Since that Basil kid is apparently the source of his problems no matter what, it’s no surprise that it’s the exact same thing today. Except worse. Because for whatever reason, the guy seems to be in an infuriatingly good mood. Which means that he’s been shooting fairly intimidating looks Simon’s way, staring into the back of his skull when he's trying to draw, among other things. But because Basil is infuriatingly handsome, he can't really help the thought that he looks hot.

He's been saying infuriating a lot lately.

Basil or whatever is just. Infuriating.

He almost puts his head in his hands and groans. He would’ve if he hadn’t suddenly remembered the unanswered message from Edge earlier, too. So, with a quick glance around to make sure noone’s watching him, he opens up Instagram and sees that Edge had sent another message that he hadn’t noticed. He suppresses a wide grin when he sees it’s a message freaking out about the sketch Simon had posted just before going to bed, about how cute it is and how he’d put it on his wall and frame it (also a comment about how, for a drawing, the prince character looked extremely attractive. Which made Simon blush a little because, of course, the prince was made to look like him.)

He’s in the middle of replying when he hears a snicker from next to him. It’s one of Basil’s friends, Nev or something? He doesn’t know his name, and honestly doesn’t care to either.

“Hey, who ya textin’?” he smirks, leaning on Simon’s table. “Is it your girlfriend?~” his face heats up at that, and he’s about to open his mouth to reply when another voice speaks up, smooth and deep and.. oddly familiar.

“Dev, I doubt he even has any friends. How on earth could he get a girlfriend?” oh, it’s Basil. He sometimes forgets that the guy actually sits next to him, because half the time he sits toward the back of the room with his self-proclaimed minions. Their tutor has never been able to get him to move back to his spot, but occasionally, if Dev or Niall (he’s pretty sure that those are the correct names now) is sick, he’ll just sit there in silence. Simon doesn’t know if that’s a curse or a blessing.

His thoughts are interrupted when Niall speaks up, having just wandered over.

“Dude’s probably gay anyway, though either way he’s gonna be a loner for life.” Simon feels a little sick at how he says gay like it’d be bad if he was (he definitely likes boys, but girls are cute too..) and is kind of glad when Basil shoots Niall a slightly terrifying glare and makes a cutting motion across his throat. That seems to be it, and Dev and Niall end up walking back to their seats, except Basil ends up staying at his table. The silence is awkward, so Simon settles for listening to music and going back to typing his reply.

It’s almost a little too convenient, actually, because he doesn’t notice the fact that as soon as he sends his reply Basil’s phone goes off.

* * *

 

Baz hopes no one can see his eyes light up when he sees a reply from Simon. It’s nothing much, another thank you for the comment and talking about how he’d been filled with inspiration to draw just before he was about to sleep, but talking to the other just feels… nice.

EdgyMcVampire: maybe your issue is with staying up too late, not that im superhuman

simonsketches: uhh obviously not?? sorry I need to launch the ‘edge is not human’ research campaign

Baz lets himself grin, since their tutor’s going through the register right now and noone’s really paying attention to him. Another message pops up a few seconds later.

simonsketches: anyway how’s school going so far?

EdgyMcVampire: good. im pretty sure my tutor hates my class so I’m obviously doing my job right

simonsketches: ohh same lmao. tho I hope it isn’t my fault

simonsketches: I hope my Goodness doesn’t ruin your edgy reputation ahdhdsfhdf

EdgyMcVampire: I prefer ‘intimidating’ but no, don’t worry

EdgyMcVampire: I doubt anyone who knows me in real life knows who I am here anyway

simonsketches: oH SAME

simonsketches: I have another account but I don’t use it At All

EdgyMcVampire: me too!!

* * *

 

Simon jolts up when the teacher calls out his name, squeaking out a quick, ‘Here, Miss,’ and trying to ignore the fact that he just fucking bumped shoulders with Basil. Annoying, mysterious, terribly handsome Basil. Who turns around, glaring (not as scary as earlier though) after the teacher turns away.

“Watch it, S-Snow.” Simon doesn’t really think about the slight stutter, only why the hell Basil just called him by his _last name._  Seriously, who the Hell does that? When he asks, he’s met with a glare and, “Because I want to.”

“Well if you’re going to call me Snow, then I’ll call you…” shit. “uh.” He doesn’t know Basil’s last name. Damn.

“Baz.” Oh. Not Basil. Maybe Baz is short for something? Bastard? Sounds like it’d suit him. Baz’s lips (very nice lips, by the way) quirk up at Simon’s slight confusion, and it looks like he’s about to say something when the bell goes. So the other gets up, leaving Simon slightly confused for a reason that he doesn’t quite realise until he’s halfway out of the classroom.

Baz. Baz. Baz. That name sounds familiar from somewhere-

Oh.

_Oh._

But that Baz couldn’t possibly be… no. Probably just a weird coincidence. Edge didn’t even say his name was Baz. Maybe Baz is just a vampire sounding name.

Oh shit.

Maybe this Baz is a vampire!

(..You know, maybe this story of Simon’s is getting too his head a bit _too_ much.)

* * *

 

Throughout the school day, Baz finds himself staring at the boy who he’d talked to briefly earlier. To be honest, he was going to say sorry for what Niall had said (yes, the great Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch, apologising. A miracle,) since it had annoyed him a great deal too. However, despite the fact that they have almost all their classes together, Baz never finds the time. He’s kind of annoyed by it, actually, and goes back home feeling a little down. The one time he tries to do something nice and he can’t.

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair when he sits down on the bus, and decides that maybe listening to music would be a good idea. It doesn’t, because he gets so distracted listening to a sad song that he almost misses his stop. Fuck’s sake. So much for today being great. Why is he even so annoyed about this, anyway? He barely knows the other guy, sure he annoys him in class a bit and he’s fairly attractive, but that’s it. Christ, Pitch, get yourself together. Getting upset for random strangers is _not_ your thing.

He trudges into his house and gives a stiff nod to his father (they’ve never been on good terms, and Baz knows why but it still kind of hurts,) whose on the sofa in the main room, reading some book that Baz couldn’t care less about. His younger sisters call out to him asking to play, but he’s really not in the mood and can only manage to yell that he’s tired back to them before going upstairs.

After opening the door to his room, Baz tosses his blazer on the floor carelessly, knowing that he’ll pick it up again later, and flops onto his bed. The soft blankets and pillows do nothing to help. He sighs, and checks his phone. Simon hasn’t replied to him yet and even though it’s a stupid thing to get upset about, Baz gets more annoyed about it.

He needs a distraction.

* * *

 

When Simon checks his Instagram feed a few minutes after completing his homework, he sees that Edge has posted three things; two edgy aesthetics, and between them, a short video. Upon playing the video, he was greeted with the sight of Edge’s fingers (long, elegant fingers…) hovering over the keys of a piano. After about a moment of hesitation, he starts playing, and then he starts to sing.

 _I'll sing until my skin starts to feel something_  
_I'll breathe again and again until the beat starts to mean something_  
  
_It's not a lot of fun to think about_  
_Everyone you're letting down_  
_A sickness so incredible_  
  
_You know it's all irrational_  
_You know it's so irrational_

He repeats the last line a few times, until the video fades out. Simon leaves it to replay while he kind of just… sits there. Edge had told him in their conversation yesterday that he’d begun practicing piano not too long ago, because apparently violin had just ‘gotten boring.’ Briefly, Simon wonders how posh Edge must be, because he knows about one other person (whose name he is not mentioning for fear of thinking about it more than he already is) who could just pick up fucking piano because they’d gotten bored of the _violin._

But in Simon’s opinion Edge doesn’t need anything other than his voice, because god, that voice is just…

Even in his head, he can’t find the right words. Enchanting. Gorgeous. Just… ** _Argh._**

God, Simon’s got it bad.

He’ll just send Edge a text. Yeah, just tell him he has a nice voice and sorry for not replying earlier. Calmly.

simonsketches: sorry for not replying earlier school is bad but!!!

simonsketches: edge your singing is so good what the hell???? I am in awe?????

simonsketches: not to be dramatic but I think id die for a voice like that my god

simonsketches: like ohhhh my god ur so good I fuckin love u

simonsketches: SHIT I TYPED ENTER TOO EARLY NO DON’T GET THE WRONG IDEA

simonsketches: I LOVE UR V O I C E

simonsketches: BLOODY HELL

Nailed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyheyhey so this chapter got published waaay earlier than i thought but i just rly wanted to post it ok
> 
> the song baz is singing and the title of the fic is irrational by cavetown which honestly i Wish there was a cover with Just Piano bc that song chills me tf out (and so do all cavetown songs but. yknow)


	3. his hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet

Simon takes his phone to dinner that evening, his conversation with Edge having lasted about an hour and a half. Honestly, it’s kind of amazing how messages can be a lot better than actually talking face to face. It’s probably because of all the times Simon could’ve said something embarrassing (which he is constantly doing in real life) but didn’t because of that sweet, sweet backspace. The only thing he doesn't like about messages is the enter button apparently seeming hellbent on embarrassing him somehow (that thing is too close to the backspace button, it's sabotage.) 

Penny’s mother, despite the fact that she’s pretty well off, orders takeaway about half the week. Simon isn’t arguing, either; there’s one chip shop just across the road that’s also right next to a bakery, which makes one of Simon’s all time favourite foods; cherry scones. He doesn’t know when he started loving them so much, or why, but he just does. So on days like these, where they have the same order of a large chips for all of them to share, a burger (or pizza, depends how they feel really) and a bottle of coke, Penny’s mom also goes down to the bakery to get a few scones for Simon.

Except today, Simon’s a bit distracted. Edge is right in the middle of telling a story about his old dog that died that makes Simon want to laugh and cry at the same time, and he doesn’t realise how little he’s eating until Penny jabs him in the side with the end of her plastic fork. Though she has that same amused look on her face as when she teases Simon for spacing out, he can tell she _is_ a little worried.

“Uh, sorry, just talking to….” Shit. Would it be weird to say he was talking to someone over the internet? He texts Edge a quick ‘brb’ before turning back to Penny. “My… friend?”

“…Who?” Penny tries to look at Simon’s phone, but he shuts it off and shoves it into his pocket as quickly as possible. She glares, though her features soften and she huffs when Simon does the same back. “Simooon. I’m just trying to make sure you’re not messaging some creep.”

“It’s- a follower.. from my Instagram..” he admits after a few seconds of silence, where Penny’s mom tries to act like she isn’t paying attention and Penny herself is leaning in eagerly, as if she’s about to find out one of Simon’s deepest secrets.

“What, so you don’t know the guy?” Penny narrows her eyes, and before Simon can even attempt to stop her she swipes his phone from his pocket and, because Simon is an idiot who trusts his friend with his passcode, manages to find his and Edge’s messages. Thank god there’s nothing embarrassing there. Wait. No. Simon considers that whole story of his embarrassing to talk about. After realising this, he hides his head in his hands and hopes Penny won’t scroll back so far that she sees the whole plot of the prince and vampire characters’ full story, leading all the way up to the (very dramatic) kiss scene.

If she does, she doesn’t comment on it, because after a minute or two filled with typing, she hands the phone back, eyebrows raised. She found something weird, didn’t she- “He has my approval.”

“A-approval?! Pen, we’re not getting _married_ or something…!” at that, Penny’s eyebrows raise a little more and she smirks.

“Noone ever said anything about marriage. If you’re planning on eloping with this guy, though-“ Simon’s face is burning up and grabs Penny’s arm, which is reaching for his phone (teasingly, this time, but even so…)

“Penny, we are not eloping, we are not married, we are not going out, we are friends. Friends.” For some reason, he feels like ‘friend’ doesn’t quite fit. Though if it’s too much or too little, he doesn’t know.

Penny shakes her head with a grin, slinging her arm over his shoulder. “Fine,” she begins, pausing to pop a chip into her mouth. “EdgyMcVampire has my platonic approval. Is that good?” Simon nods, eats a few chips and a bite of burger, and goes back to talking to Edge. His phone gets a bit of grease on it, but it’s worth it.

* * *

 

Baz is…

Slightly confused.

He’d been in the middle of a conversation with Simon (technically not because Simon had said he had to go a few minutes prior) when he’d suddenly got a… weird and vaguely threatening message from ‘P.’ (Because Baz is a mature person, he did not laugh at that name.)

What he won’t deny is the fact that he’d blushed a little bit at a part where P had said that he was trying to ‘woo’ Simon. He was not. Not yet, anyway.

And now, no less than a minute later, Simon is texting him frantically apologising about it, about how P had said that Baz had her ‘Platonic Approval’ and even though it sounded silly he probably shouldn’t do anything to annoy P because she could be very scary and very dangerous when angry and had a black belt in karate.

EdgyMcVampire: haha it’s okay, though no promises on not annoying her

simsonsketches: eDGE DON’T SHE WILL KICK UR ASS

EdgyMcVampire: wow, im wounded.

EdgyMcVampire: my dearest friend is assuming im weak.

simonsketches: NO PENNY IS VERY DANGEROUS

simonsketches: SHE ALMOST GAVE SOMEONE A CONCUSSION FOR SMACKING ME IN YEAR 3

Baz’s eyebrows rose a little at that. He vaguely remembers a similar instance when _he_ was in Year 3, except from what he’d heard from the lot that lingered at the playground’s gates spreading gossip, the girl who’d done it just straight up smacked the guy’s head against a wall for no reason.

EdgyMcVampire: …well if we elope, she wont find us?

simonsketches: EDGE WE ARE NOT ELOPING I JUST HAD TO CONVINCE PENNY THAT WE WEREN’T MARRIED OR ENGAGED

EdgyMcVampire: my dreams are shattered ;(

EdgyMcVampire: ur probably straight as a damn ruler tho amirite

Oh no. Baz did not mean to send that. He doesn’t know what’s more embarrassing, actually; the weird lack of grammar that Baz would not be caught dead using anywhere else but around Simon or the actual message. Yeah, that’s not going to come off as desperate at all.

simonsketches: uh actually

simonsketches: about that

simonsketches: I think I might be like??? A Bendy Ruler????

This is tragic. Simon is tragic.

simonsketches: I mean like. Not Straight but I don’t think im gay either

EdgyMcVampire: you could be bi?? or pan??

To be perfectly honest, Baz isn’t good with this. While is own realisation that he was gay was far from easy (blame that on his dad trying to set him up with girls from day 1) and of course Simon isn’t going through it the same way he is, he’ll at least try to help.

simonsketches: I kissed a girl when I was like 12

simonsketches: (and I liked it)

simonsketches: so I think I might be bi???? but I don’t know

simonsketches: I want to ask penny abt it bc she’s pan but idk why I feel so nervous abt it???

simonsketches: edge help I am a living breathing disaster

EdgyMcVampire: oh, I cant help you on the asking about it or coming out parts

simonsketches: you’re not out yet??

EdgyMcVampire: not to anyone I know in real life, no. and I’ve known I’m gay for years

EdgyMcVampire: the only thing being different is that my family probably isn’t as approving as yours is but that’s a story for another day

simonsketches: oh edge im so sorry :(

EdgyMcVampire: no it’s okay, keep going. this is about you not me

simonsketches: I think I might ask penny about it tomorrow?? not tonight, I’m too tired

simonsketches: brb actually, I need to get changed into my pjs ahshdshfh

EdgyMcVampire: same here, I need to go on a walk

simonsketches: edge it is NINE PM AT NIGHT

simonsketches: ARE YOU M A D

And just like that, the conversation is back to normal, and Baz can’t help but crack a smile.

EdgyMcVampire: no, I just like going for walks at night.

simonsketches: hmm suspicious

simonsketches: It seems u might be living up to ur username

simonsketches: I don’t know if it’s the edgy or the vampire part, but I’ll Find Out Soon

EdgyMcVampire: okay good luck with that one, im going on my walk now

simonsketches: im watching youuuu

* * *

When Edge doesn’t reply, Simon assumes he’s gone and turns off his phone for the night. He gets into bed, feeling just a little more relaxed than the past few hours. Calling himself bi just feels… right, he thinks. He’ll have to thank Edge after he’s spoken to Penny.. he still doesn’t know why he’s so nervous about that. Penny’s pan herself for god’s sake, she’s the one who formed the LGBT+ club at school (which, after he figures this out, he might actually go to) and started bringing more attention to the issues with homophobia at school. She should be literally the easiest person to talk to about this.

But no. Because Simon is apparently one of the most irrational people in the world, he will still be scared tomorrow.

Ugh. He needs to distract himself from this, somehow.

So he goes to bed that night thinking of Edge and the song cover he’d posted, and if he’s being honest, it does calm him down just a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaand another one!! jfc i keep pumping these chapters out i feel bad bc it's not gonna be like this when school starts up again  
> but yeah!! like i said last chapter, I Am Projecting Onto Simon (aka: I HAVE TWO KNOWN LESBIAN RELATIVES, ONE OF WHICH H A S A G I R L F R I EN D, so IT SHOULD NOT BE HARD FOR ME TO COME OUT AS LESBIAN MYSELF BUT APPARENTLY IT IS!!!)   
> SHSDHDFHDFH anyways!! the chapter title is from the song 'this is home' by cavetown!!


	4. for me you are an upgrade!

When Simon wakes up the next morning, it’s to a text of ‘good luck’ from Edge and a link to a Buzzfeed page with a bunch of bi jokes. It helps, and Simon really does appreciate it, but no matter how much he tries not to think about it, that dreadful feeling in the pit of his stomach persists. He takes a leftover cherry scone from yesterday for breakfast, but finds himself unable to stomach it and only eats half. Penny looks at him worriedly, and he inwardly curses himself for being like this already. He’s planning to tell her on the walk to school, since it’s a sort of tradition to get up early on Wednesdays so they can walk to school together and catch up on any drama that’s happened during the past week.

So, with shaky hands, he buttons up his blazer, slips his phone into his pocket and takes his bag before waiting near the door for Penny. She joins him after a few moments, silent, and almost immediately goes for the door, roughly grabbing Simon by the arm on her way out. He stumbles before falling into step behind her. It’s another few minutes of silence before Penny speaks up, still marching along the path.

“Alright, spill it, Simon.” her voice is almost a little too loud and Simon flinches. “You’ve been acting dodgy since breakfast, what’s wrong?” okay. Alright, deep breaths.

“Penny, I…” Simon finds his words stuck in his throat, and he walks a little faster even though his legs are shaking. Penny almost stops, but upon noticing Simon’s panicked half-sprint, starts to catch up with him again. “I-”

“You don’t have to talk about anything if you aren’t-”

“Penny, I’m bi.”

“...Oh!” Penny’s eyes go wide and she stops. They can afford a few minutes- after Simon’s small burst of speed, they’d managed to get a lot further than usual in about 5 minutes. She practically beams and hugs him, causing a few passerby to give them weird stares, but neither of them really care. “I’m so proud of you, Simon! Is this.. Your first time coming out to anyone?”

“Uh, no, not really..? You’d be the second, I guess..” Simon bites his lip, before remembering his conversation with Edge yesterday and cracking a smile. That really had helped him. It was… weird, and Simon still felt kind of silly for it, too; who trusts someone they’d met online that much? Well, him. And Edge.

“Simon, you’re thinking aloud.”

Whoops.

He opens his mouth to apologise, but Penny releases him from the hug, takes him by the shoulders, and practically beams. “I’m just.. So happy? I’m guessing you told Edge first, right? Well tell him he’s amazing and he gets a big ol’ hug from me for doing whatever he did.” Simon smiles back and nods, albeit a tad shyly.

“Thanks, Pen, I will.” then he does feel a little bad; Edge said his family wouldn’t be as supportive if he ever came out.. Maybe Simon should let him talk to Penny over Instagram sometime.

Penny lets go of him with a final pat on one shoulder, and starts walking again.

“Tell you what; meet me at lunch and I’ll take you to the LGBT club’s meeting today. It’s our last one of the term, but we’re all super chill and we won’t tell anyone outside of the club that you’re there if you're not okay with it. That okay?” Simon tries not to nod too enthusiastically, because now that he’s out to the two most important people in his life he feels like he could tell everyone.

Well, not really everyone, but you know.

* * *

 

Baz actually feels pretty good for a majority of the day, for once. His fingers have been itching to get back to his piano since he left home today, though. He’s planning to go to the LGBT club at lunch, if only because of the fact that it’s in the music room and they have a piano. Some of the people there are nice too; this one girl, Agatha, who’d had a slight crush on him in Year 5 and later turned out to be bisexual, had actually turned out to be a really nice friend too. Unfortunately, they don’t have classes together, so the only times they get to see eachother are Wednesday lunchtimes.

So, just as he’s exiting the classroom, he spots Penny; the ‘president’ of the club, and he knows for a fact she’d rather die than miss a meeting, so he joins her with a brief exchange of ‘hellos.’ She’s waiting on someone, she explains quickly with a smirk that looks almost too suspicious, and as if on cue a boy walks out and practically skips over. And _oh shit-_

It’s fucking Simon. Snow. Admittedly really cute Simon Snow, who also has freckles and very very pretty eyes and wow, Baz is realising how gay he is all over again.

Penny snaps him out of it by grabbing the two of them by the arm with a grin and all but dragging them over to the music room, where most of the club has already assembled into small tables and started chatting amongst themselves. Agatha’s in the corner, right near the piano, and Baz resists the urge to grin. He’s about to say goodbye to Penny and run off, actually, before she pulls him back again.

“Baz, can you keep Simon company?” oh, fuck no. “I know what you’re thinking, Baz, but Simon only came out to me _this morning.”_ Baz hears Snow let out an annoyed sound at that.

“I don’t understand why he can’t just stay with you..?” he mutters, and doesn’t hide his satisfaction when Snow nods in agreement. “See, neither of us want to do it.”

“Well, Basilton,” Penny narrows her eyes. “Simon happens not to do well in crowds. And since you and Agatha and a piano aren’t exactly a party, you seem to be my best choice. Besides, Agatha’s bi too; Simon could do with someone like him to talk to.” Baz realises halfway through Penny's sentence that he’s been defeated. At this point, trying to interfere with her would be like… like a deathwish, really.

“..well, since I have no choice, I suppose I will.” Baz huffs, much to Simon’s obvious dismay. Penny’s back to being all smiles after that, going to join her large group of friends while Baz is stuck with his stupid(ly attractive) classmate, Agatha, and a piano.

Oh well.

Baz is good at forgetting other people are there; he’s had it burned into his brain since he was able to talk. ~~Thanks, Dad.~~ So, pointedly ignoring the two- who seem perfectly fine holding a conversation on their own, thanks- he turns to the piano and kind of just… fades away.

* * *

 

Baz has started playing the piano. 

Simon has started to have a fucking heart attack, because he is so _fucking good at the fucking piano_ oh my god.

His fingers (long and elegant..) almost seem to flutter over the keys, and Baz seems totally oblivious to any attention he’s getting (which isn’t really alot; the club is actually kind of loud and the music room itself is massive.) Simon doesn’t even know what song he’s playing, but it’s beautiful. Agatha- Baz’s friend who’s a lot nicer than Baz himself- gives him an amused smirk when he turns back to her with his mouth agape.

“He’s.. so…?” Simon whisper-shouts and waves his arms around as if that were a good way to show emotion. “Beautiful??”

“Oh, join the club,” Agatha laughs. “Though I guess you have a chance with him, at least.”

“I want _every chance_ with him oh my _god.”_

Agatha laughs, a little louder this time, and Baz apparently snaps out of his little trance, sending a small glare their way before going back to playing.

There’s something… oddly intimate about watching Baz like this, for some reason. The other is in almost a dreamlike state, eyes half-closed as his fingers dance across the keys, playing.. _ I’ll tenderly guide you.. Just take me inside you… _

~~ Okay wow that sounds twice as bad out of context. Twice as bad if Baz were actually singing it, too. Thank god he isn’t. ~~

Simon grins at Agatha, and upon seeing her slightly confused look, once again whisper-shouts; “I love this one!” he hums to himself for the next line or two, but when Simon wants to sing, he _will_ sing. So he drapes himself over a giggling Agatha, and sings the lyrics in the most dramatic voice he can muster. ‘ _Your life was so pitiful before, now it’s time to go all the way,_ ’ (cue Simon spreading his arms out so suddenly that he almost hits Agatha in the  face) ‘ **and** **_MORE!’_ **

At that point they both totally lose it, collapsing in a heap of laughs and giggles. They don’t really notice when Baz stops playing, or when he looks over at them with a fond smile on his face.

* * *

Baz smiles at Simon. Infuriating, annoying, gorgeous Simon. Who can get away with ruining his piano playing because he’s a fucking nerd ~~and Baz loves it.~~

Baz loves the look on Simon’s face when he and Agatha finally start laughing, loves the way the other’s dorky smile spreads impossibly wide and he lets out a snort that probably shouldn’t be charming but is.

Everything about Simon is stupid, stupidly beautiful and stupidly enchanting.

And Baz has never been one to believe in love at first sight, but he thinks that he just might be stupidly in love with him, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sORRY FOR THE SPACE BETWEEN UPDATES YALL!! my laptop had some internet issues but now we're back, and i am Very Happy with this chapter tbh!!  
> also can i just say???? thank you all for the nice comments they actually make me so so happy???? aaaaAAAAAAA/????


	5. i love you so much these days

simonsketches: edge!! edge i met the cutest boy today!!

simonsketches: after i came out to penny she bought me to the lgbt club at lunch and!! he was so beautiful like???? WOAH???

simonsketches: he plays the piano and he was playing upgrade from bmc like damb can u get any more flawless??

simonsketches: oh yea his name is baz!! weird coincidence ahdshsdfhhsdfhsd

Oh.

Oh no.

Baz has just come to a terrible, terrible realisation. As he stares at Simon’s messages, he kind of wants to slap himself for not realising it sooner. His name had been a dead giveaway from the start, for fuck’s sake! Oh god. Oh sweet, sweet Jesus.

Kill him now.

Baz wants to leap into the fucking void. Welcome death with open arms because oh my god it’s Simon. The awkward beautiful Simon from school, the not as awkward dorky Simon from Instagram. The Simon who now knows too much. Far, far too much for Baz to even be slightly comfortable with.

It leaves him with a pit of dread in his stomach, and he almost wants to throw up. He feels like he’s been tricked, somehow, but Simon doesn’t know. Doesn’t know that Baz feels like his entire life has been invaded, two different worlds picked apart by just one person. Doesn’t know how much Baz is well and truly in love with the person he’d met over the internet, even though he hasn’t known who the other is until today.

Doesn’t know that Baz loves him too much to be mad, but can’t help but feel like he should be.

God, this is difficult.

He can’t go on like this- knowing Simon is… well, Simon. Because he’d felt so shielded by the anonymity of the internet, to simply have it stripped away from him makes him feel sickeningly vulnerable. He can’t do this. He won’t.

[DELETED MESSAGE]

EdgyMcVampire: Please stop messaging me.

* * *

 

Simon feels his blood run cold.

This is a prank, is what he wants to say. But Edge wouldn’t do that. Not out of the blue. He knows Edge, they’re friends, Edge wouldn’t just…

simonsketches: edge what??

EdgyMcVampire: Stop messaging me. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

EdgyMcVampire: I’m serious, Simon.

simonsketches: oh

simonsketches: ok

simonsketches: if i did something wrong, please tell me

simonsketches: im sorry

simonsketches: ill stop messaging you now

simonsketches: sorry. ..have a good one i guess

Simon wants to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe that’d be better than knowing what he did to make Edge suddenly hate him, because whatever mistake he’d made he’s too stupid to notice it, even now as he scrolls back through their messages, searching for something. Anything.

And he almost throws his phone across the room when he finds nothing.

There has to be something that he did. Edge is- was(?)- his best friend, he wouldn’t just abandon him like that for no reason. Though, maybe he’s thinking too much into this. And maybe Edge never really did like Simon in the first place but was waiting to reject him politely; or maybe Simon had gotten too clingy too fast, or maybe Edge was just done with him now.

He spends what seems like hours but is really only a few minutes scrolling through Edge’s Instagram, but finds nothing but cat photos, edgy aesthetics, pride pics and those goddamn song covers. Teary-eyed and hopeless, he refreshes and spots a new post- a video, so most likely a song cover. Not what Simon exactly needs right now, but he finds himself going to check it out anyway.

It’s piano. Played with slightly shaky, but ever-elegant fingers. The first notes float in and Simon can feel his heart break a little at Edge’s voice.

 

_ I'll wait to be forgiven _

_ Maybe I never will _

_ My star has left me _

_ To take the bitter pill _

_ That shattered feeling _

_ Well the cause of it's a lesson learned _

_ Just don't know if I could roll into the sea again _

_ Just don't know if I could do it all again he said, it's true _

 

There’s something raw in Edge’s voice, something that just screams pure emotion but at the same time seems so out of reach.

 

_ I'm caught again in the mystery _

_ You're by my side, but are you still with me? _

 

At the end, Edge’s voice cracks a little. Simon kind of wants to cry.

_ The answer's somewhere deep in it, I'm sorry but you’re feeling it _

_ But I just have to tell you that I love you so much these days _

_ Have to tell you that I love you so much- _

 

The video abruptly cuts off and Simon presses the back button. The page takes a bit to load, and Simon frowns before refreshing again-

[THIS USER HAS BLOCKED YOU.]

* * *

 

“Have to tell you that I love you so much-” Baz chokes off with a sob, and barely gets out the last part of the verse before he starts breaking down. Simon. God, he’s fucked up. Simon doesn’t deserve this, Simon deserves so much more. And Simon doesn’t need someone like Baz.

_ I have to tell you that I love you so much these days, it’s true. _

Baz wishes he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally finished carry on like a week or so ago and iM DYING IT'S THE LITERAL BEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ YALL??
> 
> also sorry this took so long!! school started up again and im Dying, also this chapter was a pain in the arse to write :(


	6. more than you know

Simon Snow is not an easy boy to get over.

Baz learns this as he’s trying to clear his mind, doing everything but checking his phone. He’d gone on a spree of reposting depressing quotes to do with love earlier, and after a good few minutes of crying he’d posted a few kittens as an apology to his followers. So, as his alarm clock displays 11:23 PM he makes his fifth switch between playing his violin and piano. He doesn’t really see the difference; the song’s he’s playing on each are equally as depressing. 

After half past, he flops into bed in his school shirt and a pair of trackies he’d picked up at some point. He should be going out around now, but he can make time for it in the morning. If he even feels like getting up. Even though Baz knows his father would kill him if he didn’t get up, there’s a part of him that just wants to be a little shit and sleep in. Because he wants to avoid Simon, for the last four days (with an extra weekend of miserableness between them) of school before the six week’s holidays.

Simon.

Baz groans, grabbing his pillow and burying his face in it. He’s been thinking too much about Simon. Stupid, stupid, beautiful Simon. Simon, who Baz knows cares about him. Cares too much- because Baz knows what this stupid mistake of his is going to, probably already has, done to the other. He’s going to be torn apart. And it’s all Baz’s fault. He just wishes everything could go… back to normal. Fine. Happy. But it was before, and that’s how this whole mess happened. Simon’s too comfortable, lets something slip, and of course Baz overreacts because he’s a fucking idiot. Because the idea of letting someone in, letting someone tear off the blank mask he likes to call a person and actually see him for who he is, is mortifying.

Because he’s a coward.

Baz doesn’t know why he coughs in an attempt to hide the choked sob that forces it’s way out of him- habit, he assumes. But the rest, all the pathetic sniffles and whines, he doesn’t even try. None of his family have their rooms close to his. They want to stay away from him because they don’t want- don’t need him. He doesn’t blame them- after all, who wants some fuck up of a monster for a son whose best trait is that he can at least pretend to like the girls his stupid father sets him up with for the first few minutes after they meet?

He hates this.

He hates himself.

He hates that he’ll never be more than an issue that can’t be fixed to his father.

He hates that he can’t be who he is- who he wants to be.

He hates that he can’t just let someone in for once.

He hates that he’s a coward. And he’ll never be anything more than that.

Edgy as it sounds, Baz is pretty sure he cries himself to sleep that night.

* * *

 

The next day at school, Simon quickly decides, is almost worse than being left alone at home with his thoughts. He’s been trying to figure it out; why Edge left him. But Simon’s not noticed anything so far, so his conclusion for now is that his ignorance is exactly the problem. He missed- still is missing- something that he’d done wrong and this is all his fault.

School does not have designated time to mourn over your lost friendships, though, so Simon sucks it up. He has his fourth art lesson of the week (he’d chosen it for his options earlier that year) today, so that usually helps him brighten up if he’s feeling down. But it doesn’t, because life apparently hates him today. (Like Edge does.)

So he kind of just drifts in and out of reality during his art lesson; all they need to do is practice portraits for their upcoming assessment, which Simon can’t find it in himself to be bothered about. He just wants his friend back. His moody thoughts result in a weird, equally as moody looking portrait of his vampire character (that doesn’t look like Baz because of how out of it Simon had been while painting) that makes his teacher give him a slightly concerned but proud comment. Simon doesn’t hear most of it, because he becomes distracted watching Baz paint on the other side of the room.

And then, after ghosting through break and lunch, 6th period finally arrives; music. Simon isn’t really the best at it, but he has a good singing voice; he was in the school choir in primary school and got _ all _ the solos. What he can’t do is play any sort of instrument, which he envies both Baz and Edge for.

Speaking of which, he has the pleasure (he doesn’t know if that’s sarcastic or not anymore) of sitting next to Baz in this lesson. It usually doesn’t mean much other than a lesson of annoyance, but today, after their small bonding moment in the club, he hopes they can at least be civil with eachother. Friendship is probably wishing for a little too much right now.

The lesson goes on with significantly less irritation than usual, except Simon isn’t glad like he thought he'd be. Instead of looking peaceful or even a little happy like he’d thought, Baz looks…. Upset. But Simon doesn’t feel like it’s his job to ask. Getting too comfortable too fast- asking too many questions- didn’t work out too well for him last time. He almost spirals into a whole pit of horrible thoughts when the teacher speaks up, voice monotone and slightly unsettling as usual.

“I’m going to be assigning you all a project over the ter-” there’s a loud groan from just about everyone in the room before the sentence is even finished.  _ “Over the term.  _ You’ll be working in partners,” then everyone in the room glances to their friend and a few girls are already bickering over who has to work with a random stranger because there are 7 people in their friend group. But the teacher silences them with a glare. “And I’ll be giving you your partners, thank you very much.”

Simon doesn’t know if this is a blessing or a curse. Noone in his classes really hates him, but none of them really like him either. He suppose he can bare it, depending on whatever it is they have to do.

The teacher goes on; something about how it’s meant to be an exercise to work with people you usually wouldn’t. Practically everyone in this class is someone he’s never worked with so that doesn’t narrow it down much. For the next few minutes Simon tunes out the teacher talking about the importance of teamwork and how collaborating can open up so many doors in the world of music, and only stops to listen when he starts explaining what they’ll actually be doing.

“With your partner, you will have the entirety of the holidays to practice a song that you will perform in the theatre on the first Friday back. The best gets… well, some sort of prize.” Simon rolls his eyes. He likes to sing and all, but there’s literally nothing in it for him other than stage fright and a prize that the teachers probably haven't even figured out. It'll be a Creme Egg or something, he's assuming, but noone even likes those things. “You can choose either your own original song or to cover a preexisting one, and you have free access to check out any instruments for this project. I will assign you your partners at the end of the day; I advise you arrange to meet up as soon as possible.” and with that, the lesson goes on, and Simon is bored again.

The rest of the class is too, judging by the fact that as class goes on the chatter that had once been a slight buzz is slowly growing to all but a full-on shouting match of people trying to talk to their friends. He tries to start a conversation with Baz at some point but he kind of just looks shocked before turning away with a weird look, so Simon goes back onto his phone where Instagram is still open and-

Still on the screen that says Edge blocked him.

Ow.

Simon shakes his head and, after looking around out of slight paranoia, goes to the stories of the other artists he follows (and Penny. She’d found out about his other account, somehow.) He almost doesn’t notice that the teacher’s started announcing who’s working with who until his own name is mentioned, and thank god it’s before whoever his partner is.

“-mon Snow and.. Basilton Grimm-Pitch.”

Oh.

* * *

 

_ Oh. _

Baz kind of wants to throw up, and also kind of wants to jump for joy. He and Simon make eye contact at the same time, and that small sparkle in the other’s eye makes his stomach lurch. God, he’s so fucked. But he also doesn’t want to fail this project by ignoring his partner the whole time, so…

The bell rings.

“So, um,” Baz says, as everyone else starts to leave and he spots Penny peaking in through the classroom window, no doubt waiting on Simon. “Do you.. Want to come over to my house? To plan what we’re doing, I mean.”

“Oh-! Uh, yeah, sure, lemme just.. Go tell Penny.” they both walk out of the classroom together, and Baz politely steps to the side, to let Penny and Simon talk and also to try and ignore the former’s suspicious smirk. He comes back after a very short conversation with his adoptive sister, looking a bit flustered.

A few minutes later, when they’re sitting on the bus together, it’s all Baz can do to look at Simon’s soft smile and pretend it doesn’t hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so so sorry this took so long!!!!!!! tbh this was a chapter that i,, just wanted to get out of the way asap? as u can tell It Is Not Very Entertaining and is mostly angst bUT!!  
> there will be More Things happening next time so pREPARE URSELVES!


	7. 'cause i'm weak

Simon is being led through the house like a lost puppy, and for a moment Baz can forget the other situation he’d gotten himself in. Because Simon is here, eyes glimmering with slight wonder, looking around at the house with an awed smile, and Baz couldn’t be more in love with him. 

If only.  


As they finally approach the staircase that leads to the hallway with Baz’s room in it, someone clears their throat behind them and Baz can feel his eyes narrowing before he even knows who it is.  


“Basilton,” his father says. Simon tenses up a little and Baz shoots him a look that he hopes is comforting. “Who’s this? I wasn’t aware you were bringing anyone home today, much less a… boy.” ah yes, his father always has had his suspicions about Baz’s sexuality despite him not being out. Baz winces and turns to face him with a smile that’s a little too forced.  


“Father, this is Simon. He’s over because we have to do a school project, so if you’ll excuse us…” he turns to leave, but after his father clears his throat again Baz tries his hardest not to scream. He only does that when there aren’t guests over. So he settles for snapping at him instead, not paying any mind to Simon standing awkwardly to the side of things.  


“Well, remember you need to be ready for your meeting at 5:30 this evening.” ah yes, that. Another date set up. “This girl is nice; I’m sure she’s the right one for you.” he wants to scream so badly, because he doesn’t like girls, never will, because Simon fucking Snow is right here, right here being too amazing for Baz to be able to handle, and Baz’s father can go fuck himself if he ever thinks that he’s going to find something with a girl.  


“Of course, father, but I’m sure you understand,” Baz clicks his tongue and glances over to Simon, who looks slightly confused but doesn’t talk. He hopes he gets it. “My education should be a priority over romance, correct?” he sneers, and doesn’t even wait for a reply before taking Simon by the hand and all but dragging him upstairs. It’s after they’ve reached Baz’s room and he’s slammed the door angrily when Simon decides to speak up again.  


“Uh.. are you okay?” he mutters, looking anywhere but at him. “I mean- uh, if you want to be left alone I could leave, but-”  


“No! No, I’m fine, don’t worry.” Baz sighs and tries to regain his composure. He runs his hand through his hair and sighs, missing Simon’s reddened cheeks and the slight stare he’s getting. “Just… let’s get on with this, okay?” he shuffles around the room for a bit in search of his phone charger before returning and sitting down on the sofa that’s been shoved into the corner of his room. He pats the spot next to him and Simon sits. Neither of them comment on how there’s plenty of space on the sofa and they don’t need to be so close.  


“Alright, so, um,” Simon begins, fidgeting with the sleeve of his blazer. “What song are we going to do for this? I mean I don’t know many good ones so, uh-” he cuts himself off, going red and mumbling something incoherent to himself. “Just- um, forget I said anything. Uh, what do you want to do?”  


Baz tries his hardest not to stumble over his words when he replies, because fuck that was adorable. “Well, songs from musicals tend to be more dramatic though I don’t know how high your voice is…” he mutters the last part, squinting a little at a mole on Simon’s neck. “..You’ll be doing the singing, obviously. I know you can’t play any instruments well.”  


Simon looks about ready to protest before freezing, thinking for a few moments, and then nodding somewhat solemnly. Baz resists the urge to laugh.  


“Okay, uh, that’s sorted then,” Simon speaks and his voice is just a little less shaky. “But still, what song are we going to do?” at that, Baz grabs his phone and waves it in the air with a smirk.  


“Well, I have a whole playlist to go through, so..”  


* * *

Simon and Baz spend about an hour going through songs.

Some of them are too dramatic, some are far too complicated for just the two of them, even if Baz were to sing as backup, and some are just really fucking emo. But it’s oddly endearing, how Baz’s pale cheeks heat up when Simon comments on the weird music tastes (‘I mean, a song called ‘Everyone Is Gay’ followed up by ‘Bring Me To Life?’) and he laughs nervously.  


Then, they finally get to the section of the playlist where the bulk of the musicals are. Simon refuses to sing Wicked because it reminds him of the disaster of a school talent show in Year 5 where he’d tried to sing ‘Defying Gravity,’ costumes and all.  


Baz is scrolling down again, but Simon’s eyes catch on a title of a song he actually recognises. It’s from the same musical Baz had been playing from in the LGBT club so it seems like a pretty safe one to at least try out. He stops him (and doesn’t think about how placing his hand on Baz’s to do so makes the other blush and sputter a little) before pointing out the song.  


"Do you know this one? I mean- I do, so I think it’d be a good one to try..?” he asks and still can’t look into those eyes- those infuriating grey eyes that have no right looking as pretty as they do.  


Baz’s eyes widen a bit and he seems to do a double take before turning to Simon with a nod, and for a second it’s awkward silence before Baz remembers that he has the ability to speak.  


“Oh- uh, yeah I do too. I can play most of it on piano so far, but if you want to get the lyrics up or something that’s fine I guess..?” hah. Simon has that song memorised and has for ages now.  


They both walk over to Baz’s piano (that looks oddly familiar, though he can’t quite place how) and the other takes a seat. There’s not enough room for two, so Simon sticks to kind of just.. Leaning on him. It’s oddly intimate, actually, looking back on it. “Alright, um, I’ll start on three, okay?”  


Simon nods. Tries not to feel nervous.  


And then Baz starts playing, and any trace of anxiety that was there before is gone, because god, he just looks so beautiful.  


So he starts singing a couple lines too late, because he’s an idiot who gets distracted by cute boys.  


  


_...You’re used to thinking about him in a certain way _

_ From the persona that he displayed, _   


_ Then something changes, and he changes… _   


  


Baz smiles and Simon’s heart melts.

_   
_

_ From a guy that you’d never be into _   


_ Into a guy that you’d- _   


  


Simon makes the mistake of staring at Baz again, who’s so intensely focused and fucking gorgeous at the same time and he almost chokes.

  


_ -kinda be into! _

_   
_

_ From a guy that I’d never be into _   


_ Into a guy that I’d kinda be into! _   


_ Is he worth it, Jeremy? _   


_ Is he? _   


  


Simon is a singer, not an actor, so he stays quiet during the parts where the characters are meant to be talking to, instead taking the time to look at Baz. Baz, who looks so kissable that Simon might just have to hold himself back from doing so.

  


_ Say there’s this person that you never knew that well _

  


To his surprise, Baz ends up joining in when he sings,  _ ‘he is totally into you!’  _ Then again, Simon can’t really be a whole ensemble on his own, and Baz is a fucking brilliant singer too.

  


_ You thought you had him pegged, but now you can tell, _

_ He’s gone from a- _   


  


Baz joins in again and Simon almost cries. He’s just so… breathtaking.  


  


_ Guy that you’d never be into _

_ Into a guy that you’d kinda be into! _   


_ From a guy that I’d never be into _   


_ Into a guy that I’d kinda be into! _   


_ Is he worth it? _   


_ Jeremy? _   


  


Baz practically beams, and, noticing that Simon’s gone quiet, sings, ‘ _Absolutely!’_ before stopping. He turns back to him, his eyes sparkling and face slightly flushed and _beautiful._ “That’s all I can play for now. I’ll have it done by the next time you come over, probably..” he says and takes his phone from the top of the piano. He types something up, stares for a few more seconds, and then turns back to Simon. “I’ve got stuff to do until a week into the holidays. Give me your number and I’ll text you about it?”  


Oh. He’s going to get a boy's number.  


A boy who could actually be _interested_ in him, too.  


He might just be dreaming.  


* * *

Baz might just be dreaming.

Simon’s handing his phone back to him with a crooked smile, his contact typed in as Simon <3, and Baz does the same, smile probably equally as crooked with the addition of a red face. God, he’s so in love.  


He almost forgets that this’ll never last.  


But he can shut that part of his mind out for now, try and forget the fact that what he’s done is still weighing Simon down, that even if he can get past it Simon’s going to find out eventually and hate him for it. Because Baz is horrible and a coward and unloveable.  


"So,” Simon’s voice cuts into his thoughts and for once he’s thankful for it. “Should we keep practicing? We still have a bit until this date of yours but, uh…” the other tenses up a little at the mention of the date, and Baz has to wonder why. He’s not the one that’s going to have to pretend that the girl he’s talking to is at the very least interesting for a few hours.  


“The date can go fuck itself.” Baz thinks aloud and Simon jolts up before laughing, so he continues, “I mean, my dad’s not going to be approving of it, but isn’t it fucking obvious I’m gay? If he doesn’t see it now then I might as well just wear bloody rainbows everywhere I go.” okay the first part is a bit dramatic but slightly true; Baz has literally never shown interest in girls since the day he was born. He remembers when he was younger, only pointing out how handsome the boys on TV were rather than any of the girls. His father is either braindead or ignorant.  


“What, a one-man pride parade?” Simon is smiling softly and his eyes are sparkling, even if he’s still messing with the sleeve of his blazer. “Maybe two; I’d have to see the look on his face if you did.”  


“Penny wouldn’t join in too?” Baz raises an eyebrow. Simon nods in agreement at that, and then goes on to tell a story about how Penny had beat someone up because she’d overheard them being homophobic the day before. Baz comments that not all heroes wear capes, but then Simon says that she actually wears them all the time.  


They don’t notice how much time’s passed until there’s a knock at Baz’s door and his father is calling him out for his date.   


_“Fuck.”_ Simon mutters, and looks up at Baz with a hint of sadness in his eyes. He almost looks away. “I guess I should.. uh, leave, then?”  


Baz is about to nod; his father’s voice is slowly getting louder and that isn’t really something he wants to deal with right now, but then he gets a plan. It’s absolutely stupid and could probably get him in the most trouble he’d ever been in (and that’s saying something) but it’s a hell of a lot better than having to compliment a girl that probably has a personality as dry as a fucking desert.  


“Yeah,” and then he smirks and Simon’s face goes slightly red. “But I’m going with you.”  


* * *

Baz’s father walks into the room a solid minute later. The window is open and neither Baz or Simon are anywhere to be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aAAAY!! i've been on a writing boost thanks to carry on ahdhdfhdfgh
> 
> my copy got ruined by the rain on wednesday tho ;^( my mom says she'll buy me a new one but now i'm Sad bc i can't read it until like next week
> 
> anyways!! hope you've enjoyed this chapter- if you want to talk to me abt this fic or something then my tumblr is mizthepirate!!


	8. i can't be what you want

Baz takes Simon to a nearby cafe after they escape his room, and uses his credit card (that had originally been intended for the date) to buy them some chips and a coffee each. The cafe is quiet, filled with a few people getting in some quiet study or reading time and about two other couples, and Baz doesn’t think it can get any better than this. Simon sips at his coffee, in the middle of telling the story of how, after someone had stolen his sketchbook in Year 6, Penny had chased them across the field, tackled them and then returned the book to him undamaged.

Simon even shows him a few of the drawings in the notepad he brings to school every day, skipping over a few and not really explaining why apart from blushing and sputtering a bit. He doesn’t push it though; if Simon’s going to hate him later he doesn't want it to be for messing up now.

“So,” Simon begins, staring down into his coffee with a soft smile. It’d look stupid if it weren’t so cute. “What do you want to do after this? I know the fair’s in town and Penny and I usually like to go before the holidays, but if you don’t want to…” he bites his lip. Those soft, oh so kissable lips that Baz wishes were his to claim. He almost forgets the question because his mind is wandering off.

“Oh- uh, yeah okay, I’d prefer to stay out as long as I can. If we’re lucky my dad’ll be passed out by the time I get back.” the laugh he gives is slightly bitter but genuine, and Simon snickers, apparently not having noticed, before picking up his coffee and pulling Baz up with him, beaming.

“Alrighty then, the fair it is!”

* * *

 

Baz has, somehow, never actually been to a fair before. 

He explains this to Simon, who actually gasps aloud and stops in the middle of the street. It’s kind of chilly, but somehow Simon is the warmest person on this earth and gave Baz (who had been extremely cold) his jacket a couple of streets ago. It’s… oddly romantic, but Simon probably doesn’t realise.

What he does realise, however, is that never having gone to a fair is an ‘unforgivable crime’ and Simon takes it upon himself to ‘fix this grave mistake’ by taking Baz to just about every ride at the godforsaken place. Although he isn’t really complaining; most of the rides are built for kids and Simon and Baz have to sit squished together. One: Simon is very warm and Baz thanks every god out there that he is, and Two: he can let himself indulge in closeness, just this once.

Which is what he’d said to himself on the third ride.

They’re on the tenth now, and nothing’s changed.

Simon stumbles out of their car on the waltzers looking extremely out-of-it and Baz can’t help laughing at him, which makes him pull a (frankly adorable) face that just makes Baz laugh more. Now they’re at their final ride, and Baz is far from an expert on romance, but he’s pretty sure that the ferris wheel is where all romantic things happen. He doesn’t know why he’s holding out for that, but like he said, he can indulge in this before he slams all his doors shut again.

And even though the ferris wheel is going up and above the city, Baz can feel himself falling even harder for the person beside him.

* * *

 

Simon hopes Baz can’t tell he’s been staring at him this whole time. He can’t help it, really; he’d thought all those old-timey paintings of people staring out into the sunset were just being dramatic, but maybe the person painting them had been in love. Because Simon sure as hell is, and he kind of just wants to run home just to get his watercolours and make this moment live forever, try to do justice to the way Baz’s hair floats around him like a halo, how his eyes look like a storm of stars and rain, how the soft smile on his face seems so uncharacteristic but at the same time so _right._

But of course it doesn’t, because this ferris wheel is stupidly fast (but maybe that’s just because Simon’s been on the London Eye before) and within five minutes they’re stepping off, looking back at the bright neon lights and laughs of the fair and going back into the more quiet area of town. There’s a bandstand where Penny and Simon like to study by when home is a little too irritating, and the library where Simon doesn’t go because he forgot to give a book back 10 years ago and is now scared to death about it.

There’s also the art store where Simon window shops, because he does not have the sort of money for anything there, but Baz must see the way his eyes light up when they land on it because he’s smiling and asking if they should go check it out.

“Oh- I- um, never actually- buy anything, it’s just all- expensive? We can just- um, look..” he tries to explain quickly, only for Baz’s grin to widen. Simon is going to die before they reach the damn place and it’s all Baz’s fault for having a stupidly handsome smile.

“My treat, then. Take it as a thank you for getting me out of that date.” he’s about to say that Baz could’ve been fine on his own, but then realises that going into town on your own doesn’t really open up many options other than standing around the local McDonald’s looking like a complete loner. So he stays quiet and lets Baz guide him into the shop by the hand, trying not to make his blush known. Baz opens up the door for him on their way in and the person working at the till gives them an odd look but doesn't really comment on it.

As Simon walks through the shop, pursing his lips at things he wants but can’t afford and also doesn’t want to make Baz pay for, he can feel the aforementioned walking behind him in a silent way that would almost be unnerving if he couldn’t feel another hand in his. At some point they’d started holding hands and Simon’s too embarrassed to let go now, so when he goes to pick up the single item he’s going to let Baz buy for him- a new sketchbook, because it looks really, really cool and he’s wanted another one for a while- he has to be careful not to drop it.

He turns around to tell Baz that he’s ready to go pay now and almost screams.

Somehow the other had picked up a basket without Simon knowing, which is loaded up with just about every item he’d been staring at before. Simon’s eyes go wide and when he looks at Baz he just shrugs and smirks in that same infuriatingly handsome way. “Ready to go pay, then?” he asks and Simon just nods dumbly, watching as he strides over to the till.

Once they’re out of the shop, Simon catches one glimpse of the receipt and actually does scream, this time, because holy shit that’s over a hundred fucking quid _ Baz what the fuck. _

Oh whoops, had he said that last part aloud? Because  _ Baz what the  _ **_actual absolute fuck._ **

“Charming,” Baz chuckles, handing Simon the bag. “Don’t tell my father, by the way. He likes to think I use this money to seduce random girls or something.”

“What, why would I even want to talk to that guy?” Simon clutches the bag to his chest like it’s as fragile as his heart feels right now, shaking and ready to break from something he can’t identify as either heartbreak or happiness. “Total asshole, honestly.”

“Yeah, try growing up with him.” Baz laughs again, but it’s a little less genuine this time and his expression softens into a melancholic one as they continue walking along. “..not fun.” he kicks a rock and it hits a nearby tree with a dull thump. Simon gulps; he’s never been good with emotional business, especially if it's involving boys he's pretty much one hundred percent fallen for by now. So it's awkwardly silent for a few seconds until Simon speaks.

“Are.. you okay..?” he asks slowly, stopping and sitting them both down on a bench. Who gives two shits if they get soggy trousers or whatever. “I mean, living with all that… it sounds like hell.”

“It is,” Baz murmurs, so quiet Simon almost doesn’t hear it. For some reason, even despite the current situation, he can’t help but think that, again, this is a moment worth painting; Baz staring up at the now-dark sky, soft moonlight ghosting over his face and leaving a glint in his eye that Simon wishes was just because of the lighting. “I mean.. Sometimes I just want to do it, you know? Come out, I mean. But then you think of the consequences and..” he looks back down at his hands. “Then I’m not so sure.”

“What consequences?” Simon blurts out before realising how insensitive that probably sounds and opening his mouth to apologise. Baz starts talking before he can, though, voice soft and so close to breaking.

“I don’t know,” he says and leaves it unfinished, sparing a glance at Simon just as his eyes start glimmering with unshed tears. “My dad wouldn’t approve. I know that much. My aunt wouldn’t care, probably, but even so… I don’t- don’t want to think about it.”

Simon doesn’t say anything for a few moments; instead, he scoots a little closer to Baz and, after giving himself another moment or so to consider it, wraps his arm around the other.

“I’m sorry,” Simon mutters and Baz jolts up a little. “Just… remember we’re here for you? If it all goes to shit Penny and I can help you in whatever way as long as it isn’t illegal.” Baz’s lips quirk up a little at the last part, and a few seconds later Simon feels himself being pulled into a hug.

“Thank you, Simon.” he mumbles, voice still a little choked off even though Simon can practically hear the smile in his voice. “You- I l-” something unintelligible. “You’re an amazing person.”

Simon knows his heartbeat is speeding up, knows that Baz can feel it, but neither of them let go. The moment is too delicate, like glass with webs of cracks shooting through, ready to break at even the slightest wrong step. But Simon doesn’t feel like anything  _ can _ go wrong, because he and Baz are here, just two stupid teenagers making stupid decisions while Simon falls stupidly in love.

And then he makes another extremely stupid decision, and leans up before pressing a soft kiss to Baz’s cheek.

* * *

 

Baz freezes up.

Simon Snow just _kissed_ him. Not properly, only a short brush of lips against his cheek (which is now incredibly flushed) but Baz feels absolutely electric regardless. He beams- trying not to force it down for once- and pulls away from Simon, who looks flustered and is trying to stutter something out.

“Simon Snow,” he breathes, holding the other by the shoulders. “You are a bloody idiot, and- and  _ fuck me  _ f or saying this so soon but I think I might love you. _ ” _ okay, he hadn’t been meaning to say that much, but the look of both shock and delight on Simon’s face is worth it. The way his eyes light up, how his face is lightly dusted with a dark blush, his hand moving to Baz’s cheek, moving closer and closer until-

Until they’re kissing. Properly, this time.

Though it’s still short, and Baz’s nose bumps against Simon’s, and after they pull away it’s kind of awkward until Simon checks the time and says that he should get going, but he still feels pleasant regardless.

He gets on the bus home with a wave and another kiss, and then Baz is alone. Feeling airy and giddy but still… off.

And then he remembers, just as he’s stepping onto his own bus and plugging in his earphones, that this can’t last. Even if Baz wants it to, because what he’s done and why he isn’t telling anyone is going to make Simon hates him if- when- he finds out. He should’ve told Simon sooner. Before Simon could fall in love. Before they could mess up and make this thing they have more than it had to be.

Before Baz could make Simon see how horrible of a person he really is.

The bus jolts to a stop and Baz almost forgets to get off, too focused on staring ahead of him at his phone, where the song trails on and the soft lyrics become lost to his ears. When he does, he spots the window to his father’s study. The light’s on and a figure is standing in the window, but Baz can’t bring himself to care for whatever’s going to happen to him after he steps in the house, because nothing’s worse than what he’s done to Simon.

Simon, who he knows is in love with him, and he knows he loves him back. Who he knows he’s hurt, and still can’t admit it because he’s a coward who can’t just get over himself for once.

But maybe he can distract Simon, keep him from hurting for as long as possible before whatever they have runs out and they go back to being strangers. Or worse. He doesn’t really want to think about what worse is.

So this is what he’s doing; running away from his problems. Praying he doesn’t get caught up in something that he should’ve owned up to before this went too far, something that is his fault, something that can’t be solved just by ignoring it. But it’s better to pretend.

So Baz takes a deep breath, slips his cool mask on with shaking hands, and walks into the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyheyhey!!! this chapter was a bit of a lil shit to write tbh, and the pacing might be wonky bc i was screaming at myself the whole time.
> 
> hope you guys enjoyed tho!!!! if you wanna talk to me abt this fic, my tumblr is mizthepirate!!


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